I will never be ready for the next stage

As I looked at the positive pregnancy test, my heart dropped.

I’m not ready.

As I inched closer to my due date, the fear of the unknown took my breath away.

I’m not ready.

As I looked into my newborn’s eyes, my heart cracked open.

I’m not ready.

As we dealt with our first sleepless night at home, we realized we had no idea what we were doing.

Still not ready.

As our baby grew out of her tiny clothes and then started crawling and walking, I couldn’t believe how quickly time was passing.

I’m not ready.

As I realized my baby was a toddler, who was talking and running, singing and climbing, I was in awe of this person she was becoming.

I’m not ready.

As I searched for the “right” preschool then dropped her off for the first time—my mind couldn’t digest the fact that my baby was out in the world without me.

Will I ever be ready?

As I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 and baby #3, I was afraid. “Can we handle this?”, “Can we afford this?”, “Will I love them as much?”.

I’m not ready.

As I hear little attitudes and experience passionate defiance from my three strong-willed children, I wonder how they could be anything but loving to me.

And I’m not ready.

As I think about the next stage—kindergarten for my big kiddo, pre-k for my middle, talking more and more for my youngest, it all feels bittersweet.

I’m not ready.

As I imagine a world where I may never be pregnant again, it feels strange.

I’m not ready.

As I think toward the future—middle school, high school, friends and fights, drama and love interests, moving away, getting married, living apart from me, having children of their own—I realize I will never be ready.

When they tell me their heart is broken, I won’t be ready. When they tell me they’re confused and feel lost, I won’t be ready. When they tell me they want to backpack around Europe, I won’t be ready. When they tell me they’re moving out forever, I won’t be ready.

I won’t be ready, but I’ll do what I’ve been doing these first five years of motherhood—I’ll wing it and I’ll figure it out eventually. 😉

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